Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
