I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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