Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
