Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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