I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
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A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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