i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
