Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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