come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
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