its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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