Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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