i barfeds in our rink
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
