I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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