this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
