Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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