Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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