so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
