just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
