I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
