I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish I only lived at night.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
