Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
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Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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