I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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