Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
