Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
