I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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