i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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