Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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