I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
