this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
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Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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