so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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