i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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