So drunk its hurt
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
