today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
