I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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