When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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