There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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