1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
