You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
