i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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