I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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