Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
