Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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