i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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