2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize