my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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