if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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