Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
