Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
