i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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