You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
