i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
