I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
