I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
