My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
