Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
