I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
