New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
