I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
