I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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