Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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